In the second best quote of the episode, Ben nails this season of The Bachelor when he lets us know that “it’s going to be a slow burn. It’s going to take some time, but if you find love, it’s worth it.” And he’s as excited as I am.
Luckily, Jas and I decided to do this recap together. She is a funny girl who makes me laugh on twitter and does not hate this show.
This week’s “The Bachelor” by the Numbers:
The word “connection”
Charlie Sheen quotes
Shortly after Chris Harrison walks in and basically warns the girls not to be boring, Kacie B. starts us off with some mild crazy. Nothing major, but Jas would like it noted that she is in rough shape for a 24 year old. Whatever. With that and the “last week on The Bachelor” intro I think we’ve covered about 40 minutes of this 2 hour show.
One on One #1:
Rachel, the Fashion Sales Rep that Jasmine and I have decided works at Jean Machine, gets the one on one date with Ben and they’re off to Park City, Utah to talk about how hot fire is, eye creases, how beautiful Park City is, how nice Park City is, and how awesome Park City is. In Ben’s words, “she tells me that she’s interesting but I just don’t see it in her actions.” Ouch. This was not enough of a red flag for the producers to spare us this date. Back at camp, Rachel decides to spill it.
Rachel: “It’s something I’ve, like, struggled with in my past relationships.”
Ben: “What is?”
A few awkward minutes later, Jean Machine tears down her walls and delivers us the quote of the episode:
Like, I’m super honest, I’ll tell you anything but there are some times that I might be, like, worried about it, or, you know, like, nervous. And there’s been times where it’s like, you know, been a problem, where like, if I just wasn’t open. So it’s something that, like, right up front you wanna just be able to, like, be open with somebody and take chances and steps and all that.”
Ben does not fall asleep.
The girls go fly fishing and head back to the house. Drunk eyes are all over the place.
The crazy model discusses her favourite condiments with Ben (not kidding), Nicky is trashed and slurring, Ben and one of the brunettes bond over having lost people close to them for 30 seconds before he darts in for an abrupt kiss.
Between drunk hiccups and laughs, Samantha makes the mistake of saying she’d like to spend one on one time with Ben. Naturally, he’s offended and kicks her off once he has a chance to give her a fatherly lecture.
Sweet guy. Oh, Courtney tells him the same thing five minutes later and he gives her the rose. As you do.
One on One #2:
Jennifer the natural redhead gets a one on one date jumping into a cave (or something?) with Ben. She’s scared of heights, which Jas is convinced is a legal requirement to apply for The Bachelor.
Favourite quotes from the date:
“There was a sign that said no trespassing soooo I didn’t think that was a good sign.”
“I was still really, like, seriously?”
“We’re hanging by one…string…”
Favourite cave jumping puns:
“Relationships are all about trust and diving into the unknown.”
“I’m definitely falling for this guy.”
Jennifer claims she is an accountant but Jas and I suspect she is actually John Keats. She tells some boring ex-boyfriend story (bring back the Welcome to Dumpsville girl!) and it starts to rain. Jas points out that thunder and rain is a pathetic fallacy in literature and proves our secret poet theory.
Next, they party at a Clay Walker concert. I’d like to give you some context as to who that is but all we hear from Keats is that “he’s a superstar.” She dips herself and we see again that Ben CANNOT DANCE. We find this highly suspicious as he plays the piano – where is the rhythm? The piano scene last week must have been fake. Busted.
Back at home, Monica puts her hair in a prom undo to complain about Courtney with Emily.
Finally, its time to get bombed before the rose ceremony. Emily blows up Courtney’s spot and lets Ben know that things are not what they seem. Ben is not impressed and gives his second lecture of the episode. Emily uses this time to practice her flirty faces.
Emily goes to Casey for some reinforcement and is disappointed. Casey sticks up for her friend and is the best thing on the show since Samantha. We’ve decided her name is Samantha II.
Samantha II spills it to Courtney. Courtney the model continues to use “The Bachelor” as an audition for a sociopath biopic and says something about burning eyebrows before making Emily cry.
First rose: Lindzi (horse girl)
Second rose: Jamie (blue sequins who Jas points out is the token sob story. I think her family died?)
Third rose: Nicky
Fourth rose: Kacie B
Fifth rose: Elyse (who we are betting goes very, very soon. She tries to be cute and funny when she gets her rose – always a bad sign.)
Sixth rose: Blakely (wore the denim bathing suit to the kindergarten play thing)
Seventh rose: Samantha II
Goodbye letter to Monica from Hila and Jas:
Thanks for not contributing anything to this show after the first episode. Thanks for looking like Grace Under Fire. See you on The Bachelor Pad!
– Hila and Jas
We’re going to Puerto Rico! Courtney was just there last week.