“I don’t know. There’s a lot of unknowns.”

One thing you may not know is that on The Bachelor, day dates are the absolute worst.  No one gets drunk.  Girls who are sober on this show tend to be nervous, boring and more agreeable than usual.  That said, pretty much every date was a day date this week and the episode (and this blog) suffered for it.  Where was Chris Harrison throughout all this?  Get your Smart Serve and fix these girls some mimosas!

BY THE NUMBERS:

Kisses 10
Cries 11
Hiccups 4
Courtney bashing 5

PREGAME

 After a very high quality animation of a plane traveling from Park City to Vieques Island, we’re in Puerto Rico! Jas and I predict at least 3 “what happens in Puerto Rico…”s.  Chris Harrison shows up to be as useless as he always is, and I can’t remember a thing he said. Likely something about dates and roses.

We debate the possibility of Horse getting even more tanned.  I feel like I’m making a stupid joke when I type out “L-i-n-d-z-i,” so I’m pleased we’ve already given her that nickname.  The first twenty minutes of this show are nothing, save for Courtney’s threats:

It’s like, you know, you wronged me, there’s nothing you can say to recover from that.  You better check yourself, bitch.

ONE ON ONE – Nicky

We’ve decided that Nicky has the most annoying voice in the house.  We learn that Ben speaks Spanish and that his hair is no friend of a tropical climate.

All they do for most of the day is get some street food, walk around and get rained on but Nicky’s in her “element, with the man of her dreams, doing things [she’s] never done before.”

I realize at this exact moment that Ben’s head is way too small for his body:

They buy some fly outfits:

And keep them on. Naturally no couple on this show can go 30 seconds without talking about their passion for a serious relationship, so we start talking about marriage.  Ben gets super passive aggressive asking Nicky the divorcee:

You have a little bit of experience, right?

In this conversation we hear no “magicals” or “journeys” and believe this means she is probably soon to be cut. The highest praise he leaves her with is “I feel like you could be a person I could travel with” which we have translated to “I am not attracted to you.”

Ben tries to relate to Nicky’s failed marriage but I see right through him when he asks:

Did you guys tryyyyy…working through it? Or is it just, I mean, I don’t even know what you do.  Do you do couples counselling?

He is definitely not okay with being someone’s second husband.  Move on, Nicky! Back at home, Elyse frets about her position as if she read the last recap.

GROUP DATE – Horse, Courtney, Keats, Kacie B, Emily, Jean Machine, Samantha II, Jamie, Blakely/80’s

The girls are going to play baseball.  Jas predicts a “three strikes and you’re out, bitch!” but as it is a daytime date I doubt we’ll be so lucky.  Chris Harrison makes a third appearance. He’s really earning his paycheque this week. The girls are split into teams to compete for time with Ben.

Ben is either a shitty pitcher or throwing the game so that he doesn’t have to hang out with the boring team.  As you might expect, they are great losers.

"I hope you guys throw up!"

The losers cry on the bus, Emily attempts to be cute again, Courtney “steals Ben away,” girls complain, and Kacie B gets the rose.  Best quote of the night goes to Ben:

I don’t know.  There’s a lot of unknowns…F**k.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.

ONE ON ONE – Elyse

We smell trouble.  Elyse has been on thin ice ever since she showed up with that hair colour.  We learn that Elyse both quit her job and skipped her best friend’s wedding to get on The Bachelor and we lose all sympathy. Go to your best friend’s wedding.

Ben is wearing a tux with hair best suited for flip-flops:

Run a comb through it.

Ben corners her on the most ridiculous thing to be cornered for on The Bachelor. He is worried that Elyse is just here because she’s “sick of being single.”  I’m not sure how this deviates from this show’s premise.  I think the audition ad probably starts with “Are you sick of being single?”

When it comes time to give the rose, Ben makes sure Elyse feels good and safe, flicking the rose around in her face before blindsiding her with a “it won’t work out.” Five “unfortunately”s in less than one minute later, Ben gives her a cold goodbye. Elyse is devastated and Jas and I worry for her.

Cruel.

H: Who is going to tell her to stop dying her hair so dark and tanning?
J: Welp, it won’t be her “best friend”
H: Or her “employer”
J: Or her “boyfriend”

Sorry Elyse! You gave up everything for nothing.  If you were our best friend we’d take you back with open arms, but we never would have skipped your wedding to do reality TV. Bye!

PREROSE CEREMONY

Courtney waits outside Ben’s room in a robe with a bottle of champagne.

Ben is totally nervous and obviously into Courtney. He proves he’s ready for the Bachelor Pad and goes skinny dipping with her.  I challenge you to compare the sparks between these two in 5 minutes with all 8 hours of Nicky’s date.  Ben is so into her.

ROSE CEREMONY

 Keats has a tattoo on her foot.  Of course she does.  Blakely corners Ben and lets him know that everyday she writes down something that she likes about him.  Ben is happy? I can’t concentrate because I keep trying to explain the outfit Blakely’s face reminds me of:

Emily takes Ben aside to apologize for snitching on Courtney last week.  Oh, and then she does it again and adds  how “weird” it is that he likes Courtney.  Ben gives her a second lecture:

Maybe it’s weird to you but not to me…What I encourage you to do is drop it and tread lightly. Be careful.

This is as close as you can get to saying “I hate you but might want to make out with you soon” on this show.

ROSE CEREMONY

1. Horse
2. Sob story
3. Jean Machine
4. Courtney
5. Samantha II
6. Emily

We’re all taken aback that Keats is out.  I blame it on her lack of base tan before Puerto Rico.

GOODBYE LETTER

Dear Keats,

Thank you for your natural hair colour.  Thank you for standing out in a room full of tanned ladies.  We don’t thank you for not being dramatic in front of a crowd.  That would have made for good TV. You ruined your chance with Ben.

Hila and Jas

Next week the girls are off to “the most glamourous in all of Central America!… Panama City? Trouble brews for Courtney, who is single handedly carrying this season on her back.  Ben, please keep her around or all of our recaps will be even worse than this one.

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