“With this heavy news, we do have a cocktail party to get ready for.”

Jas and I are back with another recap of The Bachelor and promise this week is better than the last. This week we promise you nudity, an obsession with skin camouflage, the most embarrassing moment that has ever been on television and the collapse of a woman’s psyche. Let’s get lost…

PREGAME

Panama Cit-ay’s first one on one goes to Kacie B. In the words of Queen Courtney, “I’d like to see her go home. She’s kind of annoying.”

Blakely, who Jas and I refer to as “80’s,” pretends to be joking when she goes hood on KB in a fit of rage and foreshadowing.

ONE ON ONE – Kacie B

Ben tells you all you need to know right off the bat:

My fear is that we run out of things to talk about.

Legit, Ben. Kacie B has nothing to offer but “the water’s so pretty here!” and laughing maniacally at everything Ben says. Verbatim exchange:

Ben: Matches, fishing net…
Kacie B: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

In other news “relationships are about working together,” Kacie B likes to go to the grocery store with her boyfriends, she gets a rose and Ben has the Rachel cut from Friends

Back at home, Horse has now decided that lips and hair are not enough to satisfy her matching-with-skin obsession. HER NAILS!

Blakely and Jean Machine find out they are up for a two on one date with Ben. Jas and I note that there is no way we’d see Blakely so insanely excited if it weren’t for an immediate departure and are calling the rose for Jean Machine.

GROUP DATE – Horse, Courtney, Sob Story, Samantha II, Emily

The girls are taking a break from the most luxurious and metropolitan city in Central America to exploit the native people for a couple of hours. They’re given beaded bikinis but Courtney is the only one to ditch her bra because “these girls, they are all so prude.” Courtney’s authentic anthropological research leads to Ben’s first genuine smiles all season.

Dirtbag, strike 1. Nicky notes that it is “just so opposite of how I would act” and that is how I know she won’t last.

Guess whose shirt matches her skin?

Sob Story pulls Ben away to get some coveted one on one time but Ben is a little distracted. Strike 2, Ben.

It doesn’t help that this is what she’s bringing to the table:

I honestly think you are such a wonderful guy. And, ya know, I’ve been able to see from far and really, I really like who you are, I feel like whatever I know about you I like it an awful lot, I really do and someone today said to me, ‘well you’re not even showing him that you like him and…

This continues for several minutes. Sob Story, we hope you have your bags packed. Horse gets the rose.

TWO ON ONE DATE – Jean Machine, Blakely

Jas and I feel so confident that Blakely is too wacko to stay that we barely pay attention. Sensing that, Blakely and Jean Machine turn the humiliation factor up pretty high with some sexy dancing and creepy cut outs.

At dinner, Jean Machine does what she does best and rambles for several minutes about nothing.

Honestly, if you like, talked to me, like, 24 hours ago I was like ‘Omigod, I have to go on this two on one date’ and then, you know, I was just like, ‘alright.’ Like, its not about a competition, its not about anything about that, its about what I have with him. And Blakely is very fast moving with you and is putting it all on the line. And I think that’s a good thing…? But I think there’s also some things that do need to come with time. But ummm, I do want you to know that I whole heartedly want to be here and I wanna stay and I think there really is something great between us and I think it could be so much greater than what it already is.

Ben reacts with a “ay yay yay” as he did earlier when Sob Story talked his ear off and he wasn’t listening. He has a tell!

Luckily for motormouth, Blakely pulls out an arts and crafts project that would be chilling evidence in a homocide.

Blakely

The creepiness is not lost on Ben and Jean Machine gets the rose.

Blakely, please retrieve your luggage from the crying room and get better. You will find a man twice your age who will treat you well and appreciate your resemblance to aerobics instructors.

DRAMA – Samantha II

There is something going on in Panama City and it is serious enough to interrupt Chris Harrison’s schedule of nothing. He dramatically whisks Samantha II away to get geographically detailed about her crime.

It was brought to my attention by three people in the United Sates that you’re in love with someone else.

They are digging deep to give us another Bentley and although that is deplorable…I kind of appreciate it? Samantha II explains to Ben that she wants to move on and find happiness. Because she is not Nicky (who said this last week) and because she is wearing a bra, Ben is gives a lecture and kicks Samantha II to the curb. That’s strike 3, Ben.

Moment of silence for our favourite, Samantha II. You are too pretty for Ben.

Thank you, Chris for giving them some perspective.

With this heavy news, we do have a cocktail party to get ready for.

PRE ROSE CEREMONY

Ben smirks when alluding to sweet Samantha II and we officially hate you, Ben/Josh Groban/Rafael Nadal.

You’ve read this far and I know what you want to talk about, but I would rather be buried alive than rewatch this humiliation, so please enjoy this clip:

Sob Story’s attempt to be Courtney blows up in her face. Please note Ben’s third “ay yay yay,” generic response to mask repulsion. Before Sob Story is humiliated for life, lets all take a moment and appreciate that at the very least, she admitted defeat.

ROSE CEREMONY

1. Nicky (don’t get too comfortable.)
2. Courtney
3. Emily

GOODBYE LETTER

Dear Sob Story,

I wish you hadn’t made me feel so uncomfortable that one time. Please go and make out with at least 3 people before Bachelor Pad.

Hila and Jas

NEXT WEEK

The girls go to Belize and Horse has a flesh coloured polka dot bikini.

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