I don’t know why I am still mesmerized by this, but here they are (if you can find them), Horse’s lips:
ONE ON ONE – Horse
Horse has the first date and Nicky’s not happy.
The pouting, the declaration of love every week, being boring and having an annoying voice – I don’t think this is going to be her shot at love. Is that a different show?
Horse has and Ben share the same “base foundation values.” Ben takes her on a helicopter ride – but Horse is afraid of heights! Jas and I have long been convinced that girls who don’t have a dehabilitating fear are screened out in application process.
Horse is wearing a polka dot bikini that matches her skin. As you do.
Ben basically tells Horse that he’s not going to bother trying anymore:
This is crazy! I’m going to give you a kiss.
Horse’s lipstick washes off and we confirm that her lips are naturally pink. Jas and I can see this moment of weakness eating away at her but not to worry, she gets her make up gun out for dinner.
Inspired by Blakely’s horrifying scrapbook, they document their journey together.
Horse: Lets start with seriousness.
Ben: Once upon a time.
They weren’t joking. At least I know there was alcohol present:
Ben’s a Prince Charming because he is a Prince Charming. He’s my Prince Charming.
ONE ON ONE – Emily
Emily is way too quick to refer to Ben as her boyfriend and its painful – is she the only one who doesn’t see that she has no chance? Even so, I can’t take away her good attitude about being made a fool: she pretends to be excited about catching lobsters and allows herself to be filmed like this:
Jas and I notice that this is the third time this season that a date has involved catching their own food. We imagine that ABC producers in date brainstorms are either really lazy or really hungry.
Back at home our cattiest girl Kacie B wants to punch Courtney because Courtney is excited about her date. Just in case you needed a reminder that she’s 24.
ONE ON ONE – Queen Courtney
The romance factor is in full swing, climbing up a million steps in the hot sun and talking about human sacrifices. I’m not listening but I notice that Ben looks like Matt Hardy.
Courtney dangles a steak in front of a hungry dog when she tells Ben she doesn’t know if she feels ready for him to meet her family. Ben is listening for once and he’s worried.
Naturally he “respects her more” for sharing this. Remember when he kicked off Casey for asking to spend more time with him? It was just like this – except that this time its not Casey, but Courtney, who he’s seen naked. So, you know, she’s sticking around.
Ben rationalizes his irrationality as “needing someone with an edge” like himself. BEN. You are the most boring and least self aware person on television.
GROUP DATE – Jean Machine, Kacie B, Nicky
Everyone watching knows that Kacie B is going to get the rose, but the show must go on. The girls are going shark diving, apparently Jean Machine’s “biggest” fear.
H: JEAN MACHINE YOU ARE SO BORING. At least have an original fear
J: She probably hates spiders too
H: Not as much as heights and needles
J: Or getting a hair cut
They’re Nurse sharks! Totally harmless. I love sharks and Jean Machine is my new enemy.
I call this the “Mona Lisa” look:
Jean Machine is milking her “fear” for all its worth, or as we call it “tooooootally faking it.” Maybe she understands that girls are not allowed on this show unless they need a man to save them. Nicky seems to get it:
Do you think the rose will go to her because she’s facing her fears?
Without a trace of irony. Nicky is hammered and gets fun, which is too good to be true. Goodbye, Nicky.
PRE ROSE CEREMONY
Courtney tries her best to liven up a somber cocktail party with Old School quotes and I love her for it. Unfortunately, in her quest for perspective, she mentions that “Ben isn’t the only guy in the world.” Emily is horrified that Courtney has stated this objective fact.
Ben takes Courtney aside before the ceremony and something doesn’t happen but I’m more interested in recreating this “au naturel” look.
1. Nicky (what?!)
Courtney is as gracious as always.
Your bangs were your demise. You only lasted this long by default. Please call Blakely and thank her for making that scary book.
Hila and Jas
You are working on a PHD – you can’t possibly be surprised.
Hila and Jas
Ben meets the families of Kacie B, Courtney, Horse and Nicky.